As it currently stands in the UK, a man can rape the mother of his child and get away with it. It’s likely there’ll be no witnesses to this familial rape. It’s likely that there’ll be no evidence either. It will be one person’s word against the other. The police do not have the manpower or the resources to investigate every accusation of rape. No evidence, no prosecution.
In this situation, the woman will have to live knowing that her rapist will never be punished for his crime. Worse still, this woman might be expected to continue some sort of relationship with her rapist because they share a child together. She might have to face her rapist when he arrives to pick up and drop off the child they share. Her rapist might text her, call her on the phone…
If this woman crumbles under post traumatic stress and ends the contact arrangement, her rapist – as a father – has every right to start family court proceedings. Should this woman finds the strength to limit rather than end a contact arrangement, as a father, her rapist has the right to apply to the family courts to overturn her decision.
If you are this woman, I have three things to say that I hope will encourage and inspire you to represent yourself with confidence at family court.
1. You own everything that happened to you, including the rape.
If the reason that you have stopped contact is because the father of your child has raped you, say so. You have nothing to be ashamed or afraid of.
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” – Anne Lamont: American novelist, political activist and writing teacher.
Though the advice is meant for writers, it applies to you too. Even if the police are not going to prosecute or you haven’t told anyone yet, tell someone now. Being a victim of rape is one thing, when your rapist is the father of your child it is quite another.
Familial rape rarely ‘just happens’. How was your relationship before the rape? How have you coped since the rape? What impact is this having on your child? Your emotional and mental turmoil will directly and indirectly impact on your child. Think about it and tell your story.
2. Tell your rape story to everyone involved in your case.
Over and over again, if necessary. That means writing it out in your statement to the court. You’ll have to repeat it to each and every Cafcass officer you deal with – over the phone and face-to-face. This is no easy thing, I know. The myriad of nightmare feelings and emotions may mean you struggle to even think about what happened. You will have to speak your truth to the magistrates. Your rapist, the father of your child, will be there listening – his solicitor too if he has one. The court clerk will hear the reasons why you ended/limited contact. So will the legal representative who advises the magistrates.
No matter who is listening, don’t be afraid to defend your decisions. Ask yourself these things:
- How do you feel at every contact visit? What impact is there on your child?
- How do you feel in the days leading to contact and after? Does this impact your child?
- What about your mental and physical health? How is that impacting your child?
“Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” – Anon.
3. Stand your ground.
Sadly, there are women who lie about being raped. The women who lie cast the shadow of doubt for the ones telling the truth. Your rapist will say that you’re lying – his solicitor too, if he has one. Family court magistrates are more than adept at spotting lies and discrepancies, so your rapist’s opinion doesn’t matter. Stand your ground.
Unlike criminal court, where clear evidence is needed to prove guilt, family court is based on the balance of probabilities. You don’t need to prove to the family court that you have been raped. All you need to do is stand your ground and tell your truth. How have you and your child been impacted by the rape?
Cafcass might suggest a contact centre as the solution. With a contact centre you would not need to have any physical contact with your rapist at all. Consider it, but don’t feel emotionally bullied into an agreement. Stand your ground.
Each time a woman stands up for herself, she stands up for all women. – Maya Angelou
To be raped by the father of your child is an exceptional circumstance. It is even more exceptional to have to encourage your child to have a loving relationship with the man that raped you. There will be no ‘one answer fits all’ for this type of case. Stand your ground. Tell your story.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou
Do you have a quote to motivate another woman at family court?
Leave a comment, ask a question, share your story.
Disclaimer: The information provided is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. Consult with a qualified solicitor for personalised legal guidance.
